Another month, another negative test. More lies that bombard me, making me feel less than.
I'm not a good enough wife, not a godly enough woman. If I were, I could get pregnant. Josh should just go find someone else, someone better, who can give him children. Maybe if I just prayed harder, believed more, then, just maybe it would happen. Maybe I'll get pregnant.
We had been trying for 6 months. We rode that roller coaster for 6 long, agonizing months. I had stopped having a monthly cycle, so each month, when it didn't come, I allowed myself to hope and crashed further each time I saw that solitary pink line.
I knew within the first two months that something wasn't right. After 6 months, I accepted my fate.
The doctor diagnosed me with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. She told me that the chances I would ever conceive were slim at best. I had already prepared myself for this possibility, but when I got to the car, I still sobbed, mourning the loss of my womanhood and the child who would never be.
Further removed from that day, we have come to see it as further confirmation that we are supposed to walk the road to adoption. We knew that one day we would adopt, but this diagnosis sealed the deal.
We have come to terms with the fact that we may never have biological children, but it doesn't make it any easier when people ask that one question. That one, innocent, but not harmless question:
Are you only adopting because you can't have children of your own?
Friends, please never ask people that. You don't know how much pain can be brought forth with just those few words.
If you are struggling with infertility, please know that you're not alone. It is such a painful experience that can be truly isolating, but just remember that there are others of us out there who are walking this painful path with you daily.
It's been on my heart, lately, that it is important for Josh and I to make the switch to a completely chemical free lifestyle. It seems as though everyone is making the switch to "clean eating," which is great and I'm very happy for those who are choosing to clean up their eating habits, but one question that I keep coming back to is this:
What good is eliminating chemicals from your diet if you're still putting toxic chemicals into your body through what you clean with?
This, for me, includes your common household cleaners and things such as shampoo, body wash, makeup, etc.
I decided that we don't need a different chemical cleaner for each individual cleaning task in the house.
For a while now, I've been making my own laundry soap, and using baking soda + vinegar as a replacement for most of our household cleaners, but there were still a few things that I wanted to replace because I just didn't feel right about them.
So, yesterday, I set about making a few changes.
{1} We have been using a "natural" dish soap for a while now, but it still had ingredients in it that I wasn't super happy with. A book I'm reading, called Green Clean, recommended grating up a bar of castile soap and mixing it with hot water in one side of the sink, then filling up the other side of the sink with a bit of vinegar + hot water for rinsing. Dr. Bronner's liquid soap has been a favorite in our household for over a year now, [[specifically the peppermint variety.]] so I already knew which brand of bar soap I would use. This process has dramatically reduced the amount of water I go through. It has also gotten me to do the dishes more regularly. Before, I would let them pile up in both sides of the sink + on the little counter space that we have, but now, because I need all of that space to wash the dishes, I can't let them pile up as much. [[Hooray for becoming a more efficient housewife!]]
UPDATE (5.14.2013): I found that adding vinegar to our rinse water actually left a really greasy film on all of our dishes. After eliminating it, our glasses were crystal clear again. So if you are trying this and see that film, try getting rid of the vinegar to see if that helps.
{2} I don't wear makeup that often, I honestly think I'm a little nervous because I have absolutely no idea what is in it. I would like to have a more regular routine, one that is simple, yet effective. Yesterday, I put together some basic foundation powder. I was pretty skeptical because I usually don't use powders. They tend to look, well, powdery. But, lo and behold, as soon as I swiped it on my skin, the redness in my cheeks was reduced and I was left with a nice, even, non-powdery looking complexion.
{3} I have been using Tom's of Maine toothpaste for a while with little to no complaints. It has a relatively low score on the Cosmetics Database and it did the job well. But, again, it still has some ingredients that I'm not 100% comfortable with. So, I made my own toothpaste, and though it's a bit salty [[baking soda has quite the salty flavor]] it seems to do the job well. I took before pictures of my teeth and I'm going to see if there is any noticeable difference after using my homemade version for a while.
If you are interested in any of the recipes I used, feel free to email me at:
jspencer2303 {at} gmail {dot} com
Also, the Cosmetics Database is a wonderful resource where you can enter in your brand of beauty product and it tells you its safety rating. It lists the ingredients of concern and if there is anything else that you need to be watching out for. It is really eye opening and I highly recommend checking it out.
If you're looking for a pretty decent documentary on the subject of going chemical free, you can find Chemerical on Netflix. This documentary was one of the things that led me to finally go for the gold. [[By gold I mean, chemical free lifestyle.]]
Have you ever considered switching to non-toxic cleaning solutions? If not, what has kept you from switching over?
This week, I turn 24. Wednesday at 9:24pm to be exact. To celebrate my birthday week, I'm going to do a week long series of posts.
Today's post?
24 Facts About Me:
{1} I am crazy good at remembering things, whether it is names/faces, or a childhood memory. Josh thinks I'm a stalker because I can recognize people even if I've only seen them once or twice. Example: We were at the midnight premier of The Hunger Games and I saw a woman walking up the aisle towards us. I told Josh, "I know her." He said "Of course you do." "It's the lady who sliced our cheddar at the grocery store last month..." I explained. He just nodded.
{2} Sometimes I think in the voice of Louis Armstrong.
{3} I love to host guests at our home. I put that down to never having friends over when I was younger. [[Seriously, I rarely had friends over to my house.]] Now, I think I'm just trying to make up for lost time. We have friends over at least twice a week.
{4} I had a spare hour in my schedule my Senior year in high school, and decided to fill it with Physics instead of Trigonometry because I loved science and hated math. No one informed me that Physics is only math...My teacher realized early on that I wasn't qualified to be in his class so he went super easy on me. "Oh, you wrote down the problems for the assignment but weren't able to solve any of them? I'll give you 2 out of 3 points for effort." I somehow ended that class with a B+...
{5} My favorite car is the Koenigsegg. If you have Netflix, watch one of the episodes of Top Gear where they review this car. It's beautiful and frightening at the same time.
{6} I do crosswords to keep my brain sharp.
{7} I was against being a musician for most of my life. [[You can't play sports and an instrument...are you nuts?]] Somehow I ended up as a music major in college. [[Well...for a year...I don't really fit in with that particular crowd...]]
{8} I'm allergic to artificial sweeteners.
{9} I am the oldest of four girls. [[My poor father...He claims that God gave him daughters because when he was younger he said "If I ever have a daughter, I'm going to flush her down the toilet." Thankfully, he didn't follow through with that.]]
{10} When I was younger I always pictured my twenty-something year old self as a lady with big hips, and short hair. Oh, and my face was completely different. Like...I would take someone else's face and put it on this ginormous body.
{11} When I was younger, I wanted to be an astronaut. My dad told me he didn't want me to do that because I'd get blown up. I set my sights a little lower and told him that I wanted to be the first woman president. He told me that I couldn't do that either because I would get shot.
{12} I identify with this song.
{13} I love watching Disney Channel Original movies. [[My favorite? Geek Charming. It's on Netflix. Watch it.]]
{14} I love David Bowie.
{15} My favorite genre is Sci-Fi. [[this applies to books, movies, TVseries, etc.]]
{16} If too many people are into something, I won't like it. [[Why I said no to Relient K, Butler basketball, & Harry Potter.]]
{17} I like having new friends but I'm terrible at meeting them. [[Problems of an introverted extrovert.]]
{18} I don't like receiving a bouquet of flowers because why would I want a bunch of dying flowers? Josh has resorted to buying me potted plants instead.
{19} I got my first ever cavity this year.
{20} I want to get rid of our TV, but I like watching movies and Doctor Who too much.
{21} I always knew that I was pretty geeky [[I would spend my recess under a tree reading books.]] But it wasn't until high school that I discovered the "Nerd World" and it took me until college to really embrace my nerdiness.
{22} I don't like being in the mountains. Everyone I know just loves it, [[the fresh air, the beauty, etc.]] but it makes me physically ill to be in the mountains. I get car sick when driving through them, I get migraines from the elevation, it's just not fun for me. I found all of this out on our honeymoon to Denver.
{23} I don't understand the thought process behind getting a pet.
{24} My life isn't where I thought it would be, but I wouldn't change a thing.
At this point, you know me pretty well. I would love to get to know you better! Tell me 5 things about yourself.
I stood there with my dad. The doors opened and my breath caught in my throat. I hear Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata begin playing as the people around me stand in unison. I look down the aisle to see my beloved standing there, beaming. I can hardly believe that in a matter of minutes, I will be married. The man standing in front of me will call me his wife and we will spend the rest of our lives together.
I honestly don't remember much about the time that followed. There were vows, laughing, a few tears [[mostly from my sisters]] and then lots and lots of hugs.
It's hard to believe that this all happened three years ago. The last three years have been both the longest and shortest years of my life. We've had rough times and we've had joyous times, but we've loved each other through it all. God continues to draw us closer to Himself and each other as we continue on this journey called marriage. I feel so blessed to call Joshua my husband, my best friend forever, my partner.
Here's to another three years, hun! [[and hopefully many, many more than that!! haha]]
I round the corner and see a girl, holding a balloon and a sign that I can't quite make out. As we get closer, I realize it has a name on it...my name. I've never seen this girl in my life, but I'm sure that I'm meant to meet her. As I approach, she smiles and says, "You must be Jessi." I nod, still unsure of what's going on. She introduces herself, hands me an envelope and the balloon, and puts me in a cab. She explains that everything I need to know is in the envelope.
As I open it, the cab driver asks me where I need to go. I quickly shuffle through the pages that I've just extracted from the envelope and find an address. I don't know where I'm going, but as the cab pulls away from the curb, I begin reading the letter.
1/5 Dear Jessi Daniel, it's your boyfriend, Josh. From Indiana.
Welcome to my game. In this envelope, you should find a card with a location.
You'll be getting there by cab. Just tell the driver where you want to go, and they'll take you.
Pay with the cash enclosed and be sure to leave a tip! Hold on to the change.
Your first location is Buckingham Fountain.
When you get there, you will see one of my friends holding a balloon, and a sign with your name.
Talk to them to get your next clue. Don't worry. This won't be stressful,
and I'm not sending you to super crowded places.
This is just my way of being creative and having a little fun before you leave.
Don't call or text me unless you have an emergency.
That is all.
J.L.S.
As we pulled up to the fountain, I saw a guy standing there with a balloon and sign. I got out and walked up to him. He handed me another envelope and put me in yet another cab. I pulled out the instructions, told the driver the address [[which was another fountain]] and read the next letter enclosed.
The same thing happened at stop 3/5 [[The Moody Bible Library]] but when I got into the cab this time, it was a sweet older Indian couple. I told the man where I needed to go, [[which was the courthouse in The Dark Knight where they are holding the funeral/memorial service and all those people get shot...romantic, right?]] and he asked why I was holding a balloon. "I think I'm getting engaged," I told the pair. They immediately burst into enormous smiles and said many "Congratulations!" I turned red from all their attention and excitement. They proceeded to tell me about all the joys of being married as they held hands. They were seriously the sweetest couple!
When we arrived at the courthouse, a man was standing there with a sign and a balloon. He handed me an envelope and as I turned around, I noticed the couple still sitting there in the cab watching us with huge smiles. As we approached the cab, the man exclaims "Is this the lucky fellow??" I explain that no, this is not my boyfriend and that I think I have one more stop. They tell me to get in quickly because they "really want to get me to my engagement!"
We drive over to the Planetarium [[my fifth and final destination]] and see nothing but a huge crowd of people. I see no signs. I see no balloons. I'm so confused as I get out of the cab. Where was Josh? I begin searching around the entire building. I get back around to the front to see my sweet cab drivers still sitting there giving me questioning looks. I tell them that Josh is around here somewhere, I just have to find him. I stand there and wave as they drive away.
Panic sets in.
I don't know where I am.
I don't know where Josh is.
I don't know where my family is.
I'm lost in Chicago!
I call Josh. He answers [[sounding worried but slightly annoyed]] and tells me how to find him.
I walk along the beach and find a secluded spot surrounded by trees, and Josh. There he is, sitting in the sand, waiting for me. I join him and as we look out at the beautiful waves of Lake Michigan, he proposes.
I, obviously, say yes and we sit there quietly for a few minutes, just soaking in all of the beauty of this moment. I then decide that I should call my parents, tell them the happy news [[which they totally knew about the entire time and still kept quiet all day! Kudos to them!]] and that I hadn't been kidnapped during the process.
I'm not the best at being in front of the camera...
The rest of the day was kind of a blur of calling loved ones, and trying to soak in the fact that I was to be married. Everyone was emotional, and there were many tears [[mostly from mom who was excited because we had just gotten engaged but also super nervous because I was going to Southeast Asia the very next morning!]]
Well, enough words!
Here are a few of our engagement pictures [[courtesy of the lovely and talented Beky Smith!]]
My arm looks super dark in this picture!
I just love Josh in this picture. haha
These next two are a little blurry, but I just loved them so much.
It was summer of 2008. I was 19 years old and had just completed my first year of college. It had been a rough school year full of change [[I had just decided to transfer schools and completely switch majors]], heartbreak [[oh, the ache of unrequited love...]], and panic [[I was supposed to go on a trip to India, but things fell through last minute and never happened so I had to find a job for the summer immediately.]] The job I had landed for the summer was working in the kitchen at Miracle Camp in Michigan. I was ready to make some new friends and leave the past school year behind me, but due to my recent heartbreak, I wasn't ready for any kind of relationship.
I was introduced to the crew I'd be working with, there were six of us in total, four girls and two guys. One of these guys was super rude and mean. He was constantly picking on me for my life choices [[at the time I had hot pink hair and was a vegetarian]]. All summer I couldn't help but think that I would be glad when I would never have to see this jerk again. Come August, as we were all preparing to head back home, something inside of me clicked and I realized that I could no longer live without this man in my life. We called each other that very night and every night for 2 weeks straight. He came to visit me at the end of those two weeks and that is when we became "official." About two weeks later, I knew that this was the man I was going to marry.
Last night I attended an online class through the Influence Network about creative ways to fund an adoption. My husband and I sat attentively listening to Lauren share her family's story of adoption. Their story was so inspiring and encouraging, I urge you to hop on over to her site and read it for yourselves.
We learned a lot about what we need to do to get started on this journey and our eyes were opened to the enormity of the task God has placed before us. We have yet to figure out what the cost will be for us, mostly because we are unsure of the type of adoption we will be pursuing at this time [[domestic or international.]] We do know that we will be doing some fundraising.
Fundraising is such a scary word. Lauren shared with us her definition of fundraising, which I found to be wise and inspired.
"Fundraising is not simply asking others to give you money for something you want to do. Fundraising is an invitation to be a part of a greater work that God is doing in your life and the lives of others. It's allowing others the blessing of being a part of a redemption story."
This is such an accurate depiction of what I want from our community. I want people who have a heart for orphans but who may not feel called to adopt, to be able to participate in our story.
Proverbs 31:8 is the verse that inspired the name of my handmade shop, Fāyán Knits.Fāyán means "speak" in Mandarin. I began my shop in April of 2012 to begin the process of raising the necessary funds for an adoption. I decided that I wanted to do all that I could to bring home our child who is yet unknown to us. If you would like to help us in our journey to become adoptive parents, I ask that you check out my shop. 100% of the profits go straight into our savings fund and each dollar brings us a step closer to our goal. [[p.s. Everything is 15% off with code FAYAN15 at checkout!! But only through the end of the month!]]
In the future, we will be looking into more ways to raise money, but for now, we would really appreciate it if you could partner with us in prayer.
Things you can be praying with us for:
{1} Our decision on international vs. domestic adoption.
{2} That we find an agency that will work well with our family and specific needs.
{3} That we be patient and open to how God will be working in our lives.
If you are currently in the throes of adoption fundraising, have been through it all before, or if you are interested in adopting in the future, I would love to connect with you! Please leave a comment below or email me at fayanknits {at} gmail {dot} com.
I hope that you have spent some time recently thinking over what you want for yourself and your family in the new year.
I have come up with a short list of some goals that I aim to achieve.
{1} I would like to read 20 books. I've always been a reader, but just haven't been making the time for it lately. I want to get back to my list of books to read [[I have read 11 out of 100, so I have quite a ways to go...]]
{2} I want to sponsor at least one blogger this year. I love what I do here and really want to bless someone else who is trying to make a living through opening up and sharing their lives with the world.
{3} I want to be more available for friends and family. Since I am a homemaker, my time is my own. I want to open up more time in my schedule for friends and family.
{4} I would like to start learning Mandarin. I've made several half-hearted attempts to learn this language, but I would like to go all in and really start to pick it up. Even if I make slow progress, at least it is still forward motion!
{5} I really want to become more organized! I would like to keep a better house. Our house is generally clean, but I wish that I were more consistent. There are sometimes weeks where you can't even see the kitchen counter...I have found in the past that scheduling out my cleaning really helps, so I hope to get better at following and keeping that schedule.
If you haven't dreamt up any goals for yourself yet, it's never too late to get started! I recommend that you think of at least one thing you would like to work towards this year.
Over the past few months, I've taken a break from my blog. I've posted a few times, but nothing major for a while now. I've just been focusing on other things.
I've been growing my handmade business, Fāyán Knits.
I've been focusing on my husband and my relationships. It's really important to me to have people on my side. People I would fight for and know would fight for me should I ever need it.
I've been focusing on rest. I've had a few warning signs lately that I need to slow down my schedule [[migraines, etc.]] I also need to learn to say "no" to things because being a people pleaser leads to nowhere good.
But, with a new year, comes new hope! I'm taking a week of rest starting Christmas Eve. During this week, I plan on actually sitting down and taking time to create a working schedule for myself. It seems like I have 3 main parts of my life right now and I can't balance them equally at all. If I'm too into keeping up house, my business and blog suffer. But these last few weeks, my sole focus has been growing Fāyán Knits, so our home and my blog have taken a back burner.
Also, I've been reading The No Brainer Blog by Hayley Morgan. I will be making a few changes to the blog and how I do things around here. This book has been so inspirational and helpful! If you have a blog, please consider hopping over and picking up a copy. It's seriously great.
So, since this will be my last post of 2012, Merry Christmas, y'all! + Happy New Year!
This is week three of my "Month of Thanks" series. If you missed the first two weeks, you can get caught up here and here.
Now, week three has come as kind of a challenge for me because, let's be honest, after the first few major things on the list, it's a bit difficult to think of more. But, I persisted and came up with a few more things I'm grateful for.
{1} The interwebs. Yep. Even with all of the negative stuff that you can find online, I still love that it exists. Today, we have access to so much more information than was previously possible. We can connect with people on the other side of the world with the click of a button! It just amazes me that the world is literally at my finger tips. Plus, without it, I would not be writing this right now and you would not be reading it and we would not be growing in community. It's just a fact. Also a fact? No human could survive the low pressure of Mars. If you went to Mars
without an appropriate space suit, the oxygen in your blood would literally
turn into bubbles, causing immediate death. [[I actually don't know if that's true. It just came up when I searched for "random facts." Whatever. You have internet. You do the research! =] ]]
{2} Hot herbal tea. More specifically, Celestial Seasonings. There aren't a whole lot of ailments that a good strong cup of herbal tea won't fix. I use it for falling asleep, headaches, sinus congestion...pretty much everything. But don't ask me what my favorite blend is, because I don't have one and I don't want to try to have one because they're all too delicious. Also, I hate favorite things. [[No I don't.]]
This is my current tea collection. Yep...count 'em. 15 teas. It's a little outrageous, I know...but I'm telling you...I love the stuff!
{3} Seasons. I love the changing of seasons here in Central Illinois. The melting of the snow and blooming of flowers and leaves in spring, the melting of my face and the uncontrollable frizz of my hair in the summer [[okay so I really, really don't like summer...]] but then comes the cool crisp air of autumn and the crunch of fallen leaves under your boots, and finally, winter brings the freshness of snow and the icy bite of the wind [[also it brings warm, cozy sweaters and things like, I don't know, hot herbal tea!]] Winter is by far my favorite season, but I really appreciate that I even get to have seasons. I don't know what I would do if I moved to a place with only one or two seasons. For serious.
So, tell me, what things are you thankful for this week? I would love to hear from you!
So here it is.
The month of November.
A lot of big things are happening this month.
My husband is celebrating his 24th birthday.
Some dear friends of ours just so happen to be getting married this month.
Thanksgiving is this month, which means a couple of things:
{1} Lots and lots of family//friend time! {2} Piles of delicious food [[most of it containing some form of pumpkin. YUM!]] {3} A new series of blog posts from yours truly. Each week will contain a smattering of things I've been thankful for recently. I would encourage you to also spend some time each week in thought. Think about what you're thankful for, how God has blessed you over the last week, month, or even year. Also, it would be great if you would come back here to share with me and others what you've been thanking God for.
It will just be one giant thankfulness fest! We'll join together and thank God for what he has been doing in our lives. It'll be great.
So! Let's get this wagon rolling, shall we? This week, I'll start with the big picture stuff.
For Example:
{1} My husband. Joshua. This man. I tell ya what. We are most of the way through our third year of marriage [[can you believe it??]] and we are still just as in love as the day we met. [[Actually...bad example because we despised each other when we met...but that's a story for another day!]] Anyway, we're still very much in love and he is continually surprising me with his love. Some days I feel so unlovable, but he loves me anyway. Unconditional love, people. There is no greater blessing.
{2} I have a great family. A great big, giant, supportive ball of family. They bless my socks off. Seriously. They are there for me [[and the husband]] when we're going through rough patches. They push me to use my skills for God's glory and not my own. They are hilarious, people. You should meet them some time. For reals.
{3} I have a place to call home. I don't mean our actual house [[although I am quite thankful for it...]] but instead the town that we now call home, Bloomington-Normal [[a.k.a. BloNo for those of you that are "hip..."]] This town has so many things to offer! [[I will be doing a post soon about an awesome new food experience I was recently introduced to. Be on the lookout...it'll blow your mind!]] Aside from the great restaurants and culture and thrift stores and gift shops and everything, this town has one thing that we won't find anywhere else. Our family at Jacob's Well. Sure, in the future, when we move on, we'll find other churches with other families, but I doubt that any of them will feel quite as much like home as the Jake. God has blessed us with friends upon friends [[most of whom have actually become more like brothers and sisters than friends!]] and I can't even begin to tell you what a blessing they have been. For a small taste of how they have helped us, check out my posts here and here.
So there you have it. The first three things in a long list of things that I am quite thankful for. Don't forget to think about your own list and also to come on back here to share it with the rest of us!
It's been a hard month. I've experienced a range of new emotions that have been hard to stomach. I've been on an emotional roller coaster, and it has been quite the ride.
God has been stretching me in ways that I've never before experienced. He's growing me for a greater purpose, and it's hard because I have no idea what that purpose is. It's driving me absolutely mad.
But God has a plan. I can look back on my life and see that God has had His hand in every little detail, so I have faith that He will bring me through this time.
I have had a song stuck in my head repeatedly for the past few weeks, and I love it because it stands so true. It is pretty long, but it is beautiful, so I encourage you to listen to it. The lyrics are below if you'd like to follow along.
You bring restoration
You bring restoration
You bring restoration
to my soul
You've taken my pain
called me by a new name
You've taken my shame
and in it's place, You give me joy
You take mourning and turn it into dancing
You take weeping and turn it into laughing
You take mourning and turn it into dancing
You take my sadness and turn it into joy
hallelujah, hallelujah
You make all things new, all things new
Y'all...this morning I am completely wrecked. As I go around this morning, picking up toys and blankets, it is through mixed tears of joy and sadness.
If you didn't already know, Josh and I got a placement call Friday afternoon to provide respite care for another foster family, which we accepted. [[Respite is just where you have the kid for a short time and then they go back from whence they came.]]
There were so many things that I learned this weekend.
Such as:
{1} I am weak and completely need the strength of God.
{2} I am not alone on this journey through motherhood.
- Josh was super supportive and helpful
- My family did a great job of loving on Baby
- Our friends who are already foster parents brought us over toys and a baby bath tub [[things we didn't have yet]] and a huge feast. When I tried to express my thanks, words fell short, but she smiled at me with a knowing smile and said "Jessi, being a mama is hard."
{3} You cannot show love to a child without becoming attached to them. It just doesn't happen that way.
{4} No matter how confident you go into the situation, being a mama has a way of breaking you down. [[Being up all night with a baby who won't sleep unless you're holding them? "No problem," thought my past, naive self. Boy was I wrong!]]
{5} Being a mama is not easy no matter how much you think you're ready for it.
Yesterday was the hardest part. Yes, harder even than the sleepless nights. We got a call in the morning from Baby's foster mom who said that plans had changed and we could drop him off that night instead of Monday, which had been the original plan. A small panic set in. I realized that I wasn't ready to give him up yet. But we packed his things anyway and headed over to their house. The family was super nice and had 3 other kids who they had fostered and then adopted. I felt a sense of peace fall over me as I realized that he was going back to a good situation and that I need not be worried for his safety. [[I know...it was a little paranoid of me to think otherwise.]]
Josh and I walked back to our car and as soon as I got in, a wave of a million different emotions just hit me all at once. It was quite overwhelming. I experienced joy because we had had such an amazing opportunity to show love to this child and also that he was going back to a good situation. I experienced sadness because, honestly? I really wanted to keep him. He was just adorable, and happy all the time. And he had the sweetest little laugh that you will ever hear in your life. But, I also felt relief. This was a hard thing for me to reckon with. I was relieved to be able to go back to a normal schedule where I could sleep when I was tired, and eat food that wasn't cold. I experienced extreme guilt over my feeling of relief. Maybe I'm not ready to be a mom? I don't know. Maybe we're never really "ready" and just have to jump into it.
I still have a lot to process. This journey is a hard one and no matter how prepared you think you are to give a child up, the fact of the matter is, you're not prepared at all.
Thanks to those of you who have been praying for us and prayed for us over the weekend. We really felt God's hand in all of this, so your prayers are known and greatly appreciated.
Before we purchased our house back in January, we were warned by everyone "Make sure you take into account all of the perks of being a homeowner." We figured that there would be things to fix or update [[I mean, our house was built in the 60's after all.]] but I thought they would be small things. Put in a new sink. Trade out the old outlets for something more updated. You know...the easy stuff.
When we moved in, we noticed that the carpet was pretty ratty and instantly thought "This must be replaced."
If your carpet is still this grimy after 3 SHAMPOOS...that's disgusting and it needs to be replaced.
This is what the under side of the carpet looked like as we were tearing it up. How does this even happen? [[I'll tell you...not vacuuming...ever. That's how.]]
So in May, we undertook the project of replacing it with laminate flooring because it is much easier to keep looking nice than carpet. [[Especially in the front room where all the traffic from the front door comes through.]] A few weeks after the guy put in the floor, we found out in a roundabout manner that he noticed that our foundation was leaning.
{1} Not sure why it took him 3 weeks to get this information to us.
{2} Not sure why the home inspector didn't notice this lean before we bought the house. [[I mean really...this wall was leaning a good 5-6 inches...isn't that something inspectors are trained to see?]]
So, last weekend was finally the weekend that we were able to get it fixed. This is where I am really thankful to have such wonderful family and friends! Just so happens that my uncle owns an excavating business and does this stuff all the time. [[Most recently on his son's new home, which needed all 4 walls redone...ouch!]] To help with costs, my uncle suggested that we get some of our friends to come over and help. We are seriously so blessed to have such willing and helpful friends!
Best in the biz.
Here is where things get serious.
Josh doing a little mortar grinding.
Tate taking a crack at it.
Luke and Will pouring concrete.
It stinks that we even had to fix this problem at all, but it rocks my face off that we have such great friends and family to help us out! Thanks guys!!
P.s. I'm linking up with the beautiful Kacia. So make sure you head on over to her blog and show her some love!
Way back when, in the fall of 2007, I grew up. I had graduated from high school, and was able to join the exclusive club called Facebook. [[Back then, you still needed a college email address to sign up for it.]] It was such a cool step up from Myspace. It was a really important milestone at the time for me and I felt so grown up!
Fast forward a few years.
Facebook starts letting anyone join as long as you are thirteen. [[But let's be honest...kids can lie about this kind of stuff..]] So really...anyone can join. That is when [[for me]] things started going downhill...
Now, I'm not going to be that person who complains that tweens ruin everything, because that simply isn't true. I'm also not going to be the person who complains that the site is no longer cool because one's parents and grandparents are now avid Facebook users. Because, honestly, I don't think that is true either. For me, the real problem with Facebook is caused by all users.
You heard me right. Everyone is guilty [[myself included.]]
I spent a lot of time on Facebook. I had the app on my phone, so I could read my news feed every minute of every day if I wanted to. [[and not gunna lie...I sometimes did.]] I also became that "Facebook stalker" who would go through friends of friends to find people from high school, just to see what ever became of them. You guys...this is not something that I'm proud of...I felt like such a creeper. I mean, really, I had not seen these people in ~4 years...why was I searching them out? You want the honest answer? To judge them. I knew that I could go to certain old friends' pages and see photos of them still partying it up at bars. And then I could sit there and say "Wow...I turned out so much better than you." Like I said...not my proudest moment...
There is such an air of negativity floating around the site. People complaining about every little thing in their lives. People bragging about every little thing in their lives. It was actually getting into my soul and affecting my attitude. My husband really started noticing the change in me...and let me tell you, he didn't like it.
Josh told me that he was concerned about my attitude towards people who I never even saw anymore. He noticed my increasing negativity in how I thought and spoke about them. I would see what they posted online and their bragging or complaining would, in my mind, replace any truths I previously knew about them. They could be the sweetest, most caring person I had ever met, and in my mind they would slowly be morphing into proud, uncaring, monsters.
I believe that God used Josh to wake me up. I deactivated my account some time at the beginning of the summer, and after the first week, I didn't even miss the drama. My mind was clear and for the first time in a long time, my attitude started to brighten. I could begin loving people for who I truly knew them to be, instead of disliking the person they projected in their status updates.
Every now and again, I consider signing back up, and even did for 30 seconds. I mean, Facebook was such a huge part of me getting word out about my blog and I even panic sometimes when I run out of ideas on how to promote my Etsy Shop. [[pardon the plug...]] But then I have to sit back and think...do I miss the drama and the negativity that comes along with having a few extra contacts? And I have to say no. No I don't.
Tell me, do you have facebook? If not, why not? If so, do you experience the types of things I've spoken about here? I would love to hear your feedback, so please leave a comment below or send an email to:
I feel like as of a few weeks ago, life has just gotten crazy hectic.
Not that my time has been completely filled to the brim with activities, but that when I do actually have time for myself, my very last concern is coming up with a new thing to post about.
But, hey, it's still summer...so give me a break.
A few weeks ago, Josh and I went down to SC for a visit with his family.
This wasn't scary at all...
I'm obviously married to the best looking man around...obviously.
Since I wouldn't get out of the boat [[I have a thing about murky water...]] my husband left a note on the beach so it looked like I got out.
I mean, honestly, the things you see in the south...
Reminds me of the church we used to attend when I was little...
Another reason for my lack of blog posts is that I have been too focused on getting my Etsy Shop updated. I have been working on some new marketing strategies and trying to focus my products. Instead of offering up a variety of items and seeing what sells, I will now be focusing on one specific type of product and moving on from there. I will have a couple of new items up starting some time next week [[assuming all goes according to plan...]].
I hope y'all have had an amazing week, and that you have an equally amazing weekend!
