What Not to Say

For those of you who aren't dealing with infertility, it can be difficult to know what to say to someone who is. How can you be encouraging to them? Let them know that you're there and that you care?

Here are some things that, in my personal experience, have helped and some that haven't.

{1} "My (fill in female friend or relative here) couldn't have kids for (x amount of years) and as soon as they stopped trying, BAM! Pregnant."

We all know this story. It is truly a miracle when it happens. However, infertility is not something that is controlled by how much you try or don't try. I can't just turn it on and off. I know where this story is coming from, the sentiment is there, but ultimately, not helpful.

{2} People quoting scriptures about prayer + faith at me. [[popular example: Mark 11:24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.]]

This person gives the impression that I'm not praying enough, or fasting enough, or trusting God enough, or believing enough. If I were better at praying and believing that God would give me the desires of my heart, then I would get pregnant. Again, this person believes that they are being encouraging, when in reality, they are doing exactly the opposite. They are unintentionally making me feel worse by telling me that my faith is not enough.

{3} "You're not alone!"

For me, this was one of the sweetest things I heard when I started this journey. Just hearing that there are other women, other families, like me, who have experienced this pain of loss, was a healing salve for my wounded heart.

{4} Keep it simple.

Just admit that you don't have an answer, and let me know that you're not here to "fix me."


Also, because so many people struggle with infertility and keep it private, here is a question not to ask couples who don't have children:

Why don't you have children yet? // When are you going to start a family? [[I really despise that phrasing because it implies that the couple isn't a complete "family" because they don't have children.]]

This question has always bothered me simply because, you don't know what private struggles this family is going through. They may be having trouble getting pregnant or they may have even suffered a miscarriage. They'll most likely smile politely and give you a short answer, but on the inside they may want to scream and lash out. [[Okay, this may be just me...]]

I know I can't speak for everyone, but these are just things that I have heard since I started sharing my struggle with others.

My last piece of advice is to just be sensitive to those around you. Don't just assume that everyone has "perfect working" bodies that can just pop out babies like Michelle Duggar. Sometimes it is the most flippant remark that cuts the deepest.

Our Struggle, Our Story

I sit on the couch with my face in my hands.

Another month, another negative test. More lies that bombard me, making me feel less than.


I'm not a good enough wife, not a godly enough woman.

If I were, I could get pregnant.

Josh should just go find someone else, someone better, who can give him children.

Maybe if I just prayed harder, believed more, then, just maybe it would happen. 

Maybe I'll get pregnant.


We had been trying for 6 months. We rode that roller coaster for 6 long, agonizing months. I had stopped having a monthly cycle, so each month, when it didn't come, I allowed myself to hope and crashed further each time I saw that solitary pink line.

I knew within the first two months that something wasn't right. After 6 months, I accepted my fate.

The doctor diagnosed me with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. She told me that the chances I would ever conceive were slim at best. I had already prepared myself for this possibility, but when I got to the car, I still sobbed, mourning the loss of my womanhood and the child who would never be.

Further removed from that day, we have come to see it as further confirmation that we are supposed to walk the road to adoption. We knew that one day we would adopt, but this diagnosis sealed the deal.

We have come to terms with the fact that we may never have biological children, but it doesn't make it any easier when people ask that one question. That one, innocent, but not harmless question:

Are you only adopting because you can't have children of your own?

Friends, please never ask people that. You don't know how much pain can be brought forth with just those few words.


If you are struggling with infertility, please know that you're not alone. It is such a painful experience that can be truly isolating, but just remember that there are others of us out there who are walking this painful path with you daily.

Much love,

National Infertility Awareness Week

Today I'm welcoming Amanda from A Royal Daughter to my blog to speak with all of us about infertility. She has a beautiful heart for sharing her story with others, and I can't wait for you all to meet her!

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Hi there, have we met before? If not let me introduce myself:

I am a country-living, ice tea drinking, good book reading, farming, ranching, Jesus-loving, curly-headed wife of a seminary professor.   He's a teacher, I'm a writer. He's a thinker, I'm a creative. Together we make our home on a small farm in Texas.

I'm so thankful that Jessi is allowing me to share my heart with you today. Jessi and I have a common passion for adoption, and for living clean, green, and healthy lives! Although she has a one up on me, I haven't taken the time to make my own laundry soap yet!

I'm here today for a very specific purpose: to help spread the word about infertility. April 21-27 is National Infertility Awareness Week, and as a woman who is currently battling infertility, I am passionate about spreading awareness about infertility.

A few facts:

• Approximately 1 in 6 couples in the United States have been diagnosed with some level of infertility.
• "Infertility" describes the inability to conceive after one year of unprotected, well-timed intercourse for women under the age of 35. Women 35 and older may be diagnosed after 6 months of unprotected, well-timed intercourse without conception.
• 30% of infertility is the result of an ovulatatory dysfunction (i.e. there is a problem with the woman's ovulation cycle).
• 30% of infertility is the result of a problem with the man (i.e. sperm structure or production).
• Many women who face infertility describe their situation as "lonely," "isolating," and "painful."
• There is a large spectrum of treatments for infertility, with varying degrees of invasiveness and cost.

My story:

• My husband and I have been trying to conceive for almost 4 years.
• We were officially diagnosed with "unexplained infertility" in February 2012 (the same month our foster boys were removed from our home).
• We have tried various therapies and treatments, from "alternative" therapies to traditional western medical treatments.
• We've experienced the pain and frustration of two failed IUIs.
• Until last November my husband and I kept our struggle to ourselves. We were completely unwilling to share our story, and to some extent we were unwilling to accept our diagnosis.

National Infertility Awareness Week:

This week on my blog, A Royal Daughter, I will be dedicating the entire week to spreading awareness about infertility, offering encouragement for those battling the pain of barreness, and providing resources for friends and family of those facing infertility. Topics will include:

• Ideas for stepping up out of the pit of infertility and converting negative emotions and energies into productive, worthwhile activities.
• Collaborative efforts from women currently battling infertility, and how they overcame common lies women believe about being barren.
• Online and print resources for those battling infertility as well as those who want to come alongside and encourage and support their infertile friends and family members.
• How to encourage and support your infertile friends.
• Owning your infertility + embracing the waiting period.
• Collaborative efforts from women who have made it through to the other side of infertility straight to the hearts of those currently navigating the muddy waters of barreness.
• Infertility from the husband's perspective.

There will also be a giveaway during the week with items I've hand-selected to offer encouragement to those battling infertility. My goal is to offer encouragement and inspiration not only to those currently facing the isolation and frustration of infertility, but for those who wonder how they can minister to their friends who are facing infertility.

You can connect with me at my website, on twitter, facebook, and instagram. I'm also on pinterest and google. However you decide to connect with me, please take time to introduce yourself!

I hope you'll join us, and help spread awareness about infertility.